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Saturday, March 27, 2004

hey peeps/ worked was okay. kim is a saving grace. i got a present for lily but frank decided to go out so i couldn't go over there and give it to her. beck and i are watching rundown. the rock is kinda hot. later babe

Friday, March 26, 2004

jon blows major fucking balls.

Monday, March 22, 2004

i've decided that love is hard work. kinda like married people say marrage is hard work. if there isn't communication and trust then you have nothing. its really hard for me to trust becasue i've been taken advantage of in the past. being gulable really sucks.
anyway i really need to start to go to work. if i keep this up i'm going to get fired. i just hate being there and i really did not feel like dealing with mike again. i feel like a slob. i need to get out of this kick. !!! where are the good morals about work that my dad instilled in me!?? i'm not like this i don't neglect my responsibilities. i think i just hate jewel and have been there way too long. but what ever it is i need to kick my butt into high gear

does anyone even read this?

Sunday, March 21, 2004

god damn it what the fuck is wrong with me. i always swore to myself that i was not going to be like this when i started dating. what drew me to frank was how wounded he was. i wanted to help him heal. i mean i was so scared of getting into this realtionship that i waited five months before i could finally say yes...and that was all because he promised he wouldn't hurt me. i mean i cried in his arms the first time we were intimate. so scared of being used, terrified to give out my heart and have it thrown in my face and trammpled over. so scared that i would feel how i feel now. i don't know what to do anymore. and i mean he says he loves me how could he do this...say the things he's said and still feel the way he does for me? i thought i would be stronger than this. but i just love him too much...an i guess in a way i knew it would be like this...he could hurt me as much as he wants...and i'll still hope that we will still be together...it makes my heart hurt physically when i think about it. its just grrr. and he doesn't know that i know so i'm like...do i confont him...do i find out why? i mean that would be nice to know the plan to his chaos. but i just keep on living with it...just hiding all the pain away and just...going on day after day loving someone that obviously doesn't love me the way i love them. and you know...it hurts. it really does.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

_____how can i trust you now_____
you say this to my face
yet in your heart lies nothing
i ask my self now
why
to the darkness
why
but no answer do i get
and though i'm bleeding
ironicly i wish your arms
were around me
i cry out through my tears
he promised
he promised
you promised
he said he'd never hurt me
was that just the first lie
told to calm my fears
now i know how you work
how your twisted mind operates
its such a cruel fate
to love one that doesn't love you back
and worst of all its the first
true love you've ever had
he asked me to marry him
just after our first time
he held me in his arms
all night long
he wouldn't let go
but now...
now things have changed
and now i see he doesn't love just me
but how can he expect me to share?
when he couldn't do the same for me
he used to make me feel beautiful
now he makes me feel whorish and ugly
says he can't deal with my past
at least i've been honest
at least he's the only boy i've kissed
since i fell in love
but now i cry myself to sleep
when he's not here
still wishing for him to hold me
like he used to do

Sunday, March 14, 2004

hehe my boy toy finally read my blog. *shrug* i feel like i only right on here when i super depressed...which is prolly true. but hey i got a really good grade on my first phase. which is cool. missed most class time of everyone in the class combined but hey thats okay. whatever i was gettin laid. i dunno i've just been thinking. and travis broke up with justien becuase i dunno. it was getting wierd i guess. she would always be talking about "will you remeber me. and i thought we would last two more months???!! wtf?" well frank says that kinda stuff. like he's hold out on me. and i am sorry but i am one of the most trusting nieve ppl you will ever meet. if i suspect something especially if i bring it up...yeah i have hard proof. if i didn't i would just keep it to myself. i gave my self to frank, mind body heart and soul(if the devil doesn't already own it lol) and well...yeah i don't feel like i've gotten or am given the same in return. but hey we spend everywaking moment together so thats okay?? wtf. i don't know anymore. if he's done what i think he's done..and just useing me to warm his bed in the process....fuck me. i mean he talks about how i would feel if we broke up and he went with Jennifer (the married chick that he's been talking to forever.) i'd be really poed. i mean that means he was using me. god you know i feel like the only time i WASN"T freaking used is with joe (joe you are an awesoem friend love ya to death). but then again i could be ALL wrong. and this is just all my blowing things out of proportion. and honestly i do think i'm wrong. frank is an awesome guy. i love him to death too. i mean he's the first guy i've had that hell i've been with more than once and when he touches me i get that tingly feeling up and down my spine. i think they call it love :p and its got me all tied up.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

my belly exercise log...

yeah never mind. so whats up people? School is going okay. a lot of tens on the tests. but i hate going to school when i'm just bored out of my mind. becky's mom went fucking postal on her. really pissed me off. damn bitch. jon called me out of the blue. thursday is the next deadline. i'm gonna go over there before school and demand to get a check. then i'll buy my new phone. i really want text messaging. i hope my next phase is something with a lot of lab time. grr i have to work tomorrow...thats gonna suck hard core. but anyway later

Friday, March 05, 2004

You know. i never thought i could feel so alone and yet be so close to some one. is it some kind of inherited power to just turn off that connection? you know that thing inside you that recognises the other person. i mean i feel like i'm always open always on and i have no shelter, no relief. but a few times in my life i've found someone else that kind of is on the same wave legnth. and those have been the happiest times of my life. katie at shadow wood. becky and now frank. but its a little different with frank. i'm a little more open, a little more vulnerable. and when things aren't right...i feel like i'm on a cliff teetering. but with beck and katie...hey i knew (or at least i thought i knew) that a little fight, dissagreement could be dealt with. talked about. perhaps tahts just cause i've known them for my whole life...or they are just chicas and were just wierd like that. i just don't really ever want to picture my life without frank in it. he is my perfect compliment. we can talk about everything, i fit perfectly inside his shoulder with is arm around me and sa far as i know we are eachothers best in bed. all that just makes me think...maybe i'm just over optimistic. but how can i be accountable for things that happened before i met him? i have made my share of mistakes. i used to think everyone had but i know i'll never be perfect...i can't be. my flaws are what make me who i am. and i can't change...i've tried. every new person i've come in contact with i try on a little bit. and try to see the world from there eyes. but it never quite fits. i am just me take it or leave it. yes i've done things that i regret and that i would do differently if i had the chance...but its still my life and its all that i have.

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